Top Tip #11: Be Detached

*Jen Wagstaff author of The Top Performer Journal.png

Bad sales is like going on a bad date; do it wrong and you come across as desperate, needy and seriously un-cool. In this blog we look at three ways YOU may be acting like a bad date to your opportunities. Then we delve into one of the 6 mind-hack of Top Performers and share some top tips to enable you to detach your mindset, boost resilience and develop an air of cool charisma with your prospects.

By Jen Wagstaff, Director of CreativeMind and author of the Top Performer Journal; a powerful daily planner to help you develop great sales habits for success.

To download the free Top Performer mindset pack that accompanies this blog, click here

In the early naughties I tried this thing called “Internet dating”.

I encountered all sorts.

The worst was Giles.

Creepy. Desperate. Slightly mental.


He 'missed-called' me every day in the run up to our date.

He asked me if I wanted children before our drinks had arrived.

He text me 7 times before I got to bed that night (needless to say, without him).


Giles had a mighty fine case of chronic attachment syndrome.



As salespeople we strive to be cool and confident in meetings, not only to enhance our own image, but to charismatically influence decisions and gain new business.

Unfortunately, far from cool, many of us reek of desperation like a fruit machine flashing in an empty pub.

We try so hard, but nobody wants to come and play.

“Hi John, yes, this is Dan again. I know I've called you every day this week... but please don't hang up... I was just wondering if you've had a chance to... John?..... John, are you there? ....Hello? "

“Hi John, yes, this is Dan again. I know I've called you every day this week... but please don't hang up... I was just wondering if you've had a chance to... John?..... John, are you there? ....Hello? "


Do you have any of the following three attachment issues?

1. Attached to prospects / opportunities

  • You call upon the same prospects over and over again, trying to justify your offer before slashing the price just to (please, pretty please) seal the deal.

  • You feel like a pest (and your prospects feel sorry for you).

Being attached to prospects makes you cling with too much hope to 'maybes'.

Your prospect list becomes full of old, tired prospects that you call over and over again and wonder why you don't get anywhere. You slash prices to make deals lowering your profitability. Your call activity is high but your success rate is low.

Just like Giles, you are coming across as needy and desperate. Prospects can sniff it a mile off. It lowers your status, value and ultimately makes you highly unattractive.

It is not a sexy look.

2. Attached to outcomes

  • You enter a sales meeting pinning all your hopes on closing the deal.

  • You go to an interview for a job and spend an hour trying to convince them you are right for the role.

  • You are fearful of public speaking / pitching / big meetings and worry about what will happen.

Being attached to outcomes (getting the client, closing the business, wowing the audience, getting the job, impressing the girl) means you are thinking more about yourself and your agenda/ego than the other person. And just like a bad date who thinks only about themselves, it really turns the other person off. 

3. Attached to other people's opinions

  • You are fearful of 'big' prospects / clients / senior colleagues. You see them as more important than you and get nervous trying to please them.

  • You look around the room when presenting, catch someones eye and catastrophically mind blank

  • You hate picking up the phone and worry what people will think of you.

  • You get told to "f off" by one of your prospects, refuse to make any more calls, then enter a downwards spiral that results in a 3 month sales slump.

Being attached to other's opinions usually means you care too much about making others like (or love) you. Your self-worth is determined by the compliments and approval of others.

If you depend on a other people for your feeling of self-worth you have just granted them puppet-master power over you. Their responses have the power to control your mood, your behaviour and your actions.

This lowers your status to rock bottom. People pick up on your unconfidence and see you as someone of little value.

Again, this is seriously un-cool.

How to re-frame your brain to be detached.

To download the free Top Performer mindset pack that accompanies this blog, click here

Luckily there is hope.

One of the mind hacks we share in the Top Performer Journal is to move from attachment to detachment.

When you are detached you have a cool confidence and charisma. This stems from the genuine belief that you have value and any outcome will be OK

Once you have these two core beliefs than you are emotionally free.

You have huge confidence in the value you bring, and hold no attachment to the outcome if people reject you.

You don’t feel pain when you are rejected. You don’t feel awful when you mess up. You don’t feel the desperate need for approval. You don’t feel the desperate stab of rejection. Because, big picture, it really doesn’t matter.

Instead, you have the ability to bounce back.





Your confidence makes you attractive to others. They want to know you, want to work with you.

Your confidence installs confidence in them.

Here's how to do it:

1. BELIEVE YOU ARE the prize

Once upon a time there was a big strong flower. It sat in the garden with it's petals open. The flower was the prize of the garden. All the bees wanted it.

The tiny bees buzzzed around the big flower, desperately trying to get a piece of the pollen. The flower sat there in the sun and decided which bees it would let in. Some bees were not attractive. It sent these away. Some bees were more attractive. It decided to let these in. It held all the power.

Every bee wanted the pollen of the flower but the flower decided who it would let in.

When selling to your prospect, do you see yourself as the bee or the flower?

Most salespeople I work with see themselves as the bee and their prospect as the flower.

They think that the prospect has more decision making power, status, value and influence.

They think they need the prospect more than the prospect needs them.

In their heads they position themselves as the bee... and so the prospect naturally takes on the role of the flower.

Top Performers however, have the opposite mindset.

Once you see yourself as the prize...

  • You believe totally and whole heartedly in the value you bring.

  • You see yourself as the expert and your status sky-rockets.

  • You interview prospects to see if you want to work with them.

  • You interview companies to see if you want to work there.

  • You choose to work with the ones that are the best fit.

Your prospects need you more than you need them. After all they PAY to work with you. So be confident and clear about the value you offer and believe you are the prize.

The more you believe in your own value and self worth, the more others will see it. It will ooze out of you in cool confident charisma and make you highly attractive.

Flower power was not just a 60's fad.

Flower power was not just a 60's fad.

2. Focus on them

Although Top Performers have true, deep believe in the value they offer, they do not come across as arrogant. This is because they do not steam-roll in with their sales spiel, concerns and agendas.

Instead (hello more dating advice!) they turn the spotlight of attention onto the other person. Whether it is a sales meeting, a prospect pitch, a presentation, lunch with the CEO or an interview, their entire focus is on the other person and how they can best help.

This takes a whole load of pressure off you and, you got it, makes you far more attractive.



In one of my favorite books about detachment, 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck', Mark Manson talks about the freedom you gain by "choosing the f*cks you give, and to who."

If you are overly worried about people's opinions or outcomes, find yourself in sales slumps, or struggle with rejection I strongly recommend reading the book or this article on not giving a f*ck (Warning, he drops the f-bomb 127 times in the article. F*cks given? None).


In summary

Being able to detach yourself from the trials and tribulations of sales is paramount to your success. The best salespeople do not only bounce back from rejection, they also give off an air of detachment; a cool confidence in the value that they bring and the fact that every outcome will always be OK.

Read more about the 6 sales mind-hacks.


Got a sales team? Want some ready made training material to use in your next team meeting?

1. Download the Sales Mindset success pack

2. Print off the ready made worksheets to use in your next team meeting

3. Follow the examples and coach your team to strengthen their mindset


5 Top Performer Tips for a Powerful Sales Mindset

  • Increase confidence with 6 mind-hacks of top performers

  • Build motivation through epic rewards & celebrating success

  • Strengthen influence with powerful persuasive language

Download the mindset success pack for free here

Or order your very own Top Performer Journal today.

Blog written by Jen Wagstaff, CreativeMind Sales Training

A one-stop-shop for all your sales training (and dating advice) needs.